I wasn't enough for the one person I would give the world to

Nights are the hardest. I cry in the middle of watching a fucking comedy show... a show you're watching in an attempt to divert your mind to something non romantic. And if I'm lucky to get a few hours of sleep, I wake up the morning after with an anxiety attack. Heart palpitating for no apparent reason since I still have a few seconds of trying to establish who and where I am.

And then I do remember...that she's gone. Never coming back. The dread. The helplessness and hopelessness. The extreme loneliness. Then I spend the rest of the day trying to do things I need to but none of them matters or makes sense. They're just routine I need to do to survive. In my mind I play scenarios of what happened. Of what else I could have done to make things right. Of what went wrong. Of how I loved it when she smiled. How I enjoyed her stories. What places we used to go to. Our favourite hobbies together...the morning walks, gym, cooking, sudoku, movies, etc...I'll never get to enjoy with her again. Her touch and kisses. Her I love yous. That despite everything going on around...she was my home.

It's her on and on every minute, every hour, everyday. And I want it to stop. I'd give anything for the thoughts and memories to stop. But it wouldn't. Because I can't escape my own mind.

But I understand one thing. She appeared out of nowhere, and we fell hopelessly in love. But I understand it doesn’t make us soulmates. It just means we met a time when our souls needed each other the most. But now she feels that the time is up, and I have to let her go. I just remember how lucky I am to have had a love powerful enough to make goodbye’s this hard. And how lucky I am to have had 5 years of her time.