Memoirs of a once believer
Preface
In more than two decades of existence, if life has taught me anything it is to never believe anything without questioning it. I have always followed it since the day I can remember.
I was born to a Malabari Muslim household; slightly progressive, yet still under Patriarchy's hold. My parents, both being teachers, are considered well-educated by the society's norms. While my mom visibly struggled to update her knowledge on current affairs and be woke, my father always managed to do it less visibly. He was an Ustad(Muslim Madrasa Teacher) before he chose mainstream teaching as his career, and it shows. Muslim Madrasas are Islamic Schools; where Deen(Islamic way of life) is taught, where manners are learnt and where 'good' men and 'women' are hatched; or so they say. For me, it is a place where superstitions are born, and innocent children are taught that the Qaum(Islam community) comes first.
Islamic community in Kerala had three main streams; Sunni, Mujahid and Jama'at. There are many other divisions and subdivisions, but these were the holy trinity. Take 5 Mallu Muslim households, 4 of them would belong to any one of these. Sunnis are the OGs, they ruled the folks way before the other two were born. And out of the three, I would call Sunnis the most barbaric. They believed in whatever their Scholars told without any thoughts, and are still the most superstitious of all. As I write this, Sunni Women are not allowed to attend the Friday congregations in Masjids, and I'm writing this in 21st Century. Jama'at-e-Islami and the Mujahideen were marshalled by Islamic Scholars who exercised progressive(pseudo) thoughts. They have their own flaws, but I consider them both the best of the lot.
My old man's Ustad post was in a Sunni Madrasa. Even so, he was strongly against the idea of sending his children to a Madrasa. He was conditioned as a typical Sunni scholar; his childhood was spent learning Deen in a Masjid which as no different from a boarding school, he worked as Ustad in a Muslim Orphanage, he completed his graduated in Arabic-the holy language, and the cycle was about its end as he became a Madrasa teacher. But all this process changed him. People start to question things when they're made to go through it for a long period, and my dad was no different. He questioned the system, himself and his values. His reading, even though limited to certain genres, helped. His left inclination alongwith the aforementioned factors turned him against traditional Islamic schooling, i.e. Sunni Madrasas. That was always a food for thought for me, because had my father read more books, or seen the world a bit more, he would have been totally against Islamic schooling.
Anyway, thanks to him, I was never sent to a Madrasa, nor were my brothers. But that did not mean that we were never brought up as religious. He sent us to a Schools were Islam was part of the academic curriculum. We studied Fiqh, Quran, Hadees and Islamic history along with Maths, Science, Social Science and English. The only difference was that we were saved of many absurdities taught in the Sunni curriculum, par exemple: Mowlid, Ratheeb and a weird script called 'Arabi-malayalam'. Father also taught each of us how to recite Quran like him. He possessed a beautiful Qirat and none of us could ever replicate that. Well, he tried and so did we.
Thanks to my father's desire to be an intellectual, I grew up amidst bundles of books. His collections ranged from local Authors to Classics. There were books in Malayalam, English, Urdu & Arabic; even though I have never read a single book of the latter two. Islamic books formed a huge chunk too, and I have read most of it. I grew up reading Fiqh(Islamic jurisprudence), the 25 prophets, Nagib Mahfouz, Kalila wa-Dimna etc alongisde Vaikom Muhammad Basheer, MT, 1001 Arabian nights and many more.
It is obvious that books had a lot to contribute in my making as a human being. The lack of Madrasa schooling did its part too. I never felt home at religious places or atmosphere. Well, I know for a fact that none of my friends did too. They all pretend so, because "Qaum". However, my distress was not suppressible. I was taught to view everything with strong skepticism since my childhood. I only believed what was in documentary form, i.e Quran and Hadith. Because of the same, Mowlids and Madrasas were always alien to me.
Age of Belief
I was an ardent believer once. I believed in everything what was conditioned to me since my childhood. There were times when I wouldn't get out of Masjids. There were times I spent more time reciting Quran than doing things I liked.
I prayed 5 times a day, I recited Quran atleast twice a day and all my judgement was clouded by my fear of god. I wouldn't dare to fall in love, but I did eventually.
How times have changed! It has been a year since I have entered a Mosque, and I couldn't get myself to accept the Quran as my guidance.
Age of Skepticism
Neighbouring Madrasa-no girls in mainstream. No women teachers. IES-girls are backward. Early marriages. No other purpose in life.
Years have passed, School days are over and I moved to Bangalore. I am taller and grew a beard. People called it growth.
But more importantly, I realized that religion is a set of lies in which I was forced to believe in since childhood. I realized that god is no one but ourselves. I realized that the finest religion is which we create for ourselves. And I called this realization, growth.
Each passing day, more and more people get killed in the name of religion. Lovers got separated, Partners split up, neighbors built walls...all in the name of religion. Even countries were split up in the name of religion.
Think of all the religions you have ever come to know of. Is there any one which gives a conclusive information on homosexuality? Or about how one's gender can be different from their sexual orientation? Does any one of those religions have women in power positions?
No, No and No. They all consider homosexuality a sin, they all know the binary genders and they all are governed by men. Yet people are unable to think outside of what have confined them. Educated men and women are blinded by absurdities and are committing atrocities. The worst of it all, they all believe it's divine.
Riddle me this, how can one call something divine if it tells you to keep menstruating women away? What divinity does it offer if two people falling love is considered a sin, just because they're of the same gender?
And I was today years old when I happen to stumble upon the ever discussed Epicurean Question.
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